I found out my boyfriend had a secret emotional relationship with his secretary a couple of years ago and now I want out.


I was dating my boyfriend for 2 years (we didn’t live together but lived on the same street and I was always over at his place). We each had kids from a previous relationship so I wanted to take the whole “living together” thing slowly, but we were together all the time (and I just maintained my own residence).

He commuted for work, and I knew his department got a new secretary. She was younger and married and had recently had a baby. I knew they were work buddies and I even bought a birthday gift for him to give to her. After about a year she moved to another State.

Read more: Should I tell my ex’s girlfriend that he pathetically contacted me?

My boyfriend and I decided to move in together and we lived together for a year when I found out that he and that secretary had some type of (nonphysical but still romantic) relationship while they were working together. And that is why she ended up leaving (because they both realized it was not appropriate).

I stumbled on old emails between them that were strange. Calling each other pet names. He was calling her baby and sweetie in work emails. Telling each other that they couldn’t wait to see each other at work. Meeting up in the cafeteria for coffee every day. He told her he loved her. She lamented that she couldn’t stop thinking about him while at home. They had little quarrels. I also realized that he was still facebooking friends with her.

We talked a lot about this and he said he was just so unhappy at work at the time and unhappy with our relationship (news to me??!) because we didn’t live together that he was vulnerable to attention from a beautiful woman. He said it never became physical but they were very emotionally entangled at the time for many months. I had no idea at all. He said together they decided the best thing was for her to accept another job offer (which he helped her get).

He’s very remorseful sometimes. Other times he will tell me that it’s partially my fault because I rarely stayed over (I don’t think that’s true at all — in fact I was the only one working on us — he was so busy at work that I carried most of the relationship at that time). I was doing everything for him to help him out because I knew how busy he was and how stressful life was for him back then. He will also try to tell me I was too cold (again, he didn’t bother mentioning that to me then).

I’ve tried to move past this. I told him he needed to delete her from facebook, and he did. It’s been over a year since I found out but I still feel so much hurt and anger if I think about it, or if something triggers me (even something as stupid as a movie where the man is hooking up with his secretary).

It’s been over a year of anger, fighting, hurt and drama. The man I thought I was with is not the guy who would speak to his married secretary like that. Should I just give up? I’m tired of feeling this way.

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Jacob Asare

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